TO BE OR NOT TO BE COOL

Me and My Girlfriend’s War of Music

EXT. WORLD – ANYTIME

The apotheosis of a great battle is near at hand, the climax of a great debate is approaching. Two people, a boy and a girl, Luke and Nicki, are walking down the street. 

LUKE

…and I’m telling you that it was cool! 

Like you definitely don’t see that everyday, 

I mean—

NICKI

OK, OK, old man, I just don’t see how an old

white man—in a room full of old white people—

going up to a piano and playing some boring-ass

old people music is cool. I mean you’re right! 

You don’t see that everyday, thank god!

Luke laughs.

LUKE

NOT cool? Why, miss, Beethoven? 

Not cool?? Since when?!

Nicki laughs.

LUKE

But seriously, I guess classical

music isn’t the coolest.

NICKI

Well then what is, mister?

Luke pauses, thinks. 

LUKE

The Floyd performing live in Pompeii to nobody

in 1972! Rush performing a ten-minute, multi-suite

instrumental piece based on a dream Alex Lifeson

had in 1978! Miles Davis inspiring Herbie Hancock 

to inspire Jacob Collier to modulate to G half sharp!

These landmarks of human musical achievement—now

that’s cool.

Luke smiles excitedly.

Nicki rolls her eyes.

NICKI

You’re so pretentious. Inaccessibility isn’t 

cool, it’s pretty far in the opposite direction.

LUKE

Yeah? Well then what is cool?

NICKI

Vibes, bro, I dunno I mean the fact that I even 

have to say it makes it not. It’s chill, it’s a

feeling– the fact that you don’t know what it is

makes it cool. If you like cool music, you like

cool music. You can’t explain it.

LUKE

Well sure you can! You like low-tempo electronic

music with the bass and percussion relying not on

drums but on retro-style synthesizers. You like

rhythms based in funk and soul, though you 

definitely don’t like funk or soul. You like

mainstream music but the mainstream appalls you.

Nicki, I know exactly–

NICKI

No no no–see that’s what I’m saying: the moment

you talk about it, it’s gone. You’ve lost it because

you’ve peeled back the feeling, the vibes,

and you’re left with pure technicality. You’ve 

turned something artificial that should be organic. 

LUKE

But isn’t that cool? To see how things work? To get

to the heart of the matter?

NICKI

Well yeah, I guess, in other things. But not this. 

You’re robbing a culture when you take the feeling

out of music. The worst part is that it’s your

culture, too. 

Luke laughs, then thinks.

LUKE

Hm. Well, if you don’t get to the root of something,

how can you create your own?

They both look at each other. They missed their turn and it was getting late. The moon shone bright and a nightclub trembled in the distance.

NICKI

I dunno.

END SCENE. 

Written by Luke Dominick