The Anti-Grimes Manifesto

A SPECTER IS HAUNTING THE INTERNET — THE SPECTER OF GRIMES!

Thus Piper Samuels introduces her program for the reorientation of justice-seeking music listeners towards new electronic-pop artists.

A specter is haunting the digital sphere— the specter of a pseudo-activist tech giant worshipper with a desperate individuality complex. All the powers of justice-seeking activists, TikTok teen leftists, and theory-reading library dwellers have entered a holy alliance to (metaphorically) “hunt down” and “exorcise” this specter: Popes and Tsars, Rave Connesseirs and House Heads, EDM Geeks and Pop Princesses, Activists and Allies.

The post in question pictures Claire Elise Boucher holding a copy of Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto (which just so happens to be this piece’s satirical framework.)

(And no, she’s not one of the Bob’s Burgers children. I said “Boucher,” not “Belcher.”)

We’re talking about the centibillionaire-South-African-space-mogul’s sugar-baby, most often referred to as “Grimes.” Her caption reads,

“Full disclosure I’m still living with e and I am not a communist… I’m more interested in a radical decentralized ubi that I think could potentially be achieved thru crypto and gaming but I haven’t ironed that idea out enough yet to explain it.”

It’s a humanitarian shame Grimes’ policy idea is too wrinkly for elaboration.

Rumor has it the United Nations’ highest-paid diplomacy strategists frequently reference “Oblivion” for inspiration.
Rumor has it Robert Reich’s Twitter account is run by Holy Child X Æ A-Xii.
Rumor has it that when the gatekeepers of heaven showed this caption to William Shakespeare, Karl Marx, and Thomas Edison, they immediately had an orgy and were brought back to life. They say God was so inspired, He joined the party.

Every day that passes without Grimes in office, a species gets added to the “endangered” list.
Every day that passes without Grimes in office, a quarter billion children die of hunger.
Every day that passes without Grimes in office, Uber prices surge by 64% and wait times by another 27%.
Experts claim the Roman Empire fell because it didn’t do enough crypto and gaming.

Move over, Hillary. There’s a new girlboss in town. Make America Grimes Again!

It’s tough to compete with Boucher’s utter literary and political eloquence, but I’m going to give it my best shot. Back to reality:

Why did this pasty, eyeliner-wearing Canadian assert herself into the contemporary era’s justice-oriented discursive political spheres? Who gave her the right?

I: Big Tech Bourgeois and Artist-Proletarians

This titanium trophy wife (Grimes) is/was partnered with the single most powerful, exploitative, and oppressive capitalist ever to walk the earth (and float in space): Elon Musk. Therefore, by the transitive property of relationship status, she actively supports the oppressive systems that exploit communities across the world, especially those in the Global South, who are faced with no choice but to provide Musk with slave labor. This physical manifestation of a Redditor’s wet dream (Grimes) immensely benefits from this slave labor.

Although Grimes claims that her “bf doesn’t fund [her] career,” her partnership with Musk grants her significantly more mainstream attention than fellow electro-pop artists who aren’t so closely allied to celebrity billionaires. These artist-proletarians should not have to enter artificial relationships with artificial-intelligence lovers simply to have their autotuned voices heard by the industry.

This manic-pixie-dream-alien (Grimes) exploits her own quirky behavior to demand space within progressive circles— circles that strive to uplift communities whose identities have been legitimately and systemically marginalized by Western hegemonic structures. Newsflash, Grimes: quirkiness does not equal marginalization.

This self-proclaimed “martian” should instead refer to herself as “pig,” because she incessantly hogs a major artistic platform that would be much better suited for activists and artists of color. It is high time that justice-seeking music listeners direct their ears towards new electro-alt-pop musicians— musicians whose art uplifts marginalized communities and makes legitimate steps towards social progress, justice, liberation, and eventual harmony.

II: Artist-Proletarians and Justice-Seeking Music Listeners

We, the justice-seeking music listeners, have one tool at our disposal: choice. The tech industry may have created the code that fuels our listening, but we have the power to use this code to support and uplift artists from underrepresented groups. Below is a list of musical alternatives to Grimes: all femme and/or queer and/or POC, none married to centibillionaire oppressors.

Yaeji – “WAKING UP DOWN”
Spellling – “Haunted Water”
Erika de Casier – “Better Than That”
Kero Kero Bonito – “The Princess and the Clock”
Santigold – “Crashing Your Party”
CSS – “Hits Me Like a Rock”
Rina Sawayama – “Tokyo Love Hotel”
SOPHIE – “VYZEE”
L’Rain – “Two Face”
Kelsey Lu – “Poor Fake”
Kilo Kish – “NICE OUT”
Charli XCX – “anthems”
Arca – “Machote”
Namasenda – “Unlimited Ammo”
PinkPantheress – “Nineteen”

Stream their songs! Add them to your playlists! Share their music to your Instagram story! “Gatekeeping” is a thing of the past— democratize the industry, promote decentralized ownership! Spread radical love!

III: Conclusion, as Marx put it:

The justice-seeking music listeners disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the musical overthrow of Grimes and the tech giants, alike. Let the ruling classes tremble at a justice-seeking musical revolution. The artist-proletarians and justice-seeking listeners have nothing to lose but their chains. They have an industry to win.

ARTIST-PROLETARIANS AND JUSTICE-SEEKING MUSIC LISTENERS OF ALL COUNTRIES, UNITE!
(thru crypto and gaming ofc)

Article by Piper Samuels

Photo of Grimes by Mac Boucher and Neil Hansen