How to write a Christmas banger

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and as I sang along, 

I noticed there weren’t any new Christmas songs. 

Every year, we are inundated with the latest covers of Christmas classics, with up-and-coming stars grasping at the promise of the next holiday hit. Sometimes we get original songs, but rarely are they memorable, disappearing from our thoughts like melted snow in the sun. 

The truth is, most new holiday songs are worthy of a lump of coal. We’ve got our small soundtrack of selected Christmas favorites, and we blast them nonstop each year. However, I couldn’t get this question out of my head: why is it so hard to write good Christmas music?

With my hot winter tea in hand, I set out on a quest: I surveyed as many friends as I could find and gathered their insights as to what made a solid Xmas banger. The results were varied, and I struck out on a few friends, forgetting that they were Jewish or that they just hated Christmas music. 

While some preferred the upbeat (“overly cheerful,” said one friend) and some preferred the more introspective (“hella somber”), there were a few consistencies. Here’s my formula for how to write a Christmas classic.

First, you need to decide on your brand of Christmas music. Pick a flavor for your song, and stick to it. Do you want to make people cry about their seasonal depression? Follow in the footsteps of prolific Christmas bard Sufjan Stevens and his acoustic track “Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day? (Well You Deserved It).” Add some details about an unmade bed and a fight between two lovers, and you are guaranteed to pull on your listeners’ heartstrings until the springtime snow melts. 

Do you want to make people cry because they miss their families? Bing Crosby sang the classic tearjerker “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” in 1945, so we’re due for a refresher. The lyrics “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams” hit even harder when holiday travel is so limited this year. 

Wait, did you say you don’t want to make people cry? Well then, there’s an infinite number of wintery bops that will put you in the Christmas spirit. Visit any store or holiday party (maybe not during COVID times), and you won’t be able to escape Mariah Carey’s riffs and vocal runs with “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” While Mariah may be yearning for a kiss under the mistletoe, the uptempo pop song is definitively joyful and jolly, solidifying it as a contemporary Christmas staple. 

Next, you’ve got to develop a catchy chorus with wintery imagery. Joni Mitchell’s heartbreaking song “River” paints a picture of wintertime loneliness as she sings about reindeer and ice skating. “He sees you when you’re sleeping,” is transformed from a relatively creepy statement to a sing-along mood-booster with “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town.” 

We all celebrate the first snowfalls of Christmas with choruses of “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” and “Frosty The Snowman” encourages us to bop along with the animate snowman himself. The goal here is to write a chorus that captures the essence of holiday cheer with iconic Christmas imagery, whether it be Santa or silver bells. 

In the end, repetition is key. The best Christmas songs will get stuck in your head and stay there for years to come. 

Last, you can’t go wrong with some jingle bells. Your Christmas song doesn’t need them, but they will certainly help to amp up the cheer. Add a small choir of children singing backup vocals and pepper in some chiming bells for percussion, and it will be instantly recognizable as a Christmas tune. 

One of the most important aspects of Christmas music is that it is relatively limited to December listening only, keeping it a sacred holiday ritual. By adding these Christmas trademarks, you can ensure that your song will be played at the right time of the year. 

In doing my research, I realized that we are long overdue for a new Christmas soundtrack. Most of the songs that we play on repeat were written in the first half of the twentieth century, and we return to them year after year, choosing different covers each year based on the latest pop stars du jour. 

Perhaps we recycle the same old songs as a futile attempt to recreate Christmases of yore, a cherished time before all of our parents got divorced and we developed class consciousness. 

As the world continues to feel bleaker and bleaker, we cling to the memories associated with “White Christmas” and “Jingle Bells,” hoping to hold onto a glimmer of Christmas spirit until the presents have been opened, the lights have been taken down, and we’ve gone on our way to another new year. 

Written by Noah Larsen