Could I beat my most listened to artists of 2022 in a fight?

2022 is almost over and that means a flurry of Instagram stories showing everyone’s most listened to music of the year is fast approaching. I use Apple Music rather than Spotify, so I do not get the artistic graphics and visuals that most do in the beginning of December. I am not being a “pick me” right now, I literally just used to buy music off of iTunes in middle school and now justify those purchases by using Apple Music. Regardless, Apple Music has ‘Apple Music Replay’ that updates weekly throughout the year, including your top 20 most listened to artists. Then the iconic idea, as expected, came to me: could I beat my 20 most listened to artists in a fight?

20. SZA (11 Hours) – NO.

She would literally beat my ass so I am not even going to attempt to fight her, but if we did get into a fight I would lose. I can’t even lie here and try to gaslight you all into thinking that I would win. I would throw a punch and miss, and then she would grab my arm and flip me onto the floor. Me being a twink also does not help this scenario 🙁

19. Florence + the Machine (11 Hours)  – She would hex me, so no

Dance Fever (2022) is one of my favorite albums released this year, mainly because it makes me feel like I am in a forest learning the art of witchcraft. Whenever I listen to “Dream Girl Evil” I picture that scene in Maleficent (2014) where she is casting a curse and a green aura surrounds her. Anyways, I believe that Florence Welch has the ability to win without even physically fighting me. She would place a curse on me from afar and she would win. All she has to do is take her crystals and books into a forest and it’s over for me.

18. Alanis Morissette (11 Hours) – She wrote “You Oughta Know”

You would just have to look at the lyrics of the best breakup song of all time, “You Oughta Know”, and you could make an educated guess. She wrote “And every time I scratch my nails / Down someone else’s back I hope you feel it” so I am not going to try my luck based on that. I will instead listen to Jagged Little Pill (1995) with my mom like I usually do. No, the answer is no. I could not beat her in a fight.

17. Halsey (12 Hours) – No, but I could catch her off guard

One might listen to Halsey’s song “Nightmare” and be like, “Adrian, you can’t beat her in a fight. She would knock you out instantly.” Well, to that I say yes, but also that I could distract her for a few minutes. All I would have to do is show her that video of herself singing Blink-182 in a mall (if you know, you know). She would be caught off guard for a bit and I would get in a few punches. However, she would eventually beat me because that video can only do so much for me.

16. Melanie Martinez (13 Hours) – 50/50 

I honestly do not know if I could beat Melanie Martinez in a fight. I mean she made “Mad Hatter” with the lyrics “Tell the psychiatrist something is wrong / Over the bend, entirely bonkers”, which leads me to say yes. However, she also made the song “Cry Baby”, so I feel like I could just say something mean and she would fold. My final verdict is I think it depends on the day–because it does!

15. Katy Perry (13 Hours) – No?

Out of all of the artists on this list, Katy Perry is the one I was most surprised was on this list. I think it is because I listened to Teenage Dream (2010) on repeat this past summer. I mean, she would beat me, there is no debate about that, but I’m just confused. She is also a very confusing person because she said she voted for Rick Caruso for the L.A. Mayoral election.

14. Snail Mail (14 Hours) – This would be a funny fight

I saw Snail Mail in concert earlier this year and managed to get barricade so this would not be the first time she has seen me! This fight would end in a stalemate because we would keep punching each other but no one would get hurt. Also stalemate sounds like Snail Mail, if you don’t focus too much. She is probably stronger than me, but I am taller than her, so that is why I think we would not do damage to each other. Someone would definitely have to intervene and beat both of us up.

13. The 1975 (17 Hours) – We would make each other laugh #tbh

Okay, so this is the first band on this list and you may be thinking, yet again, “Adrian, you can’t take on four people!” And to that statement I give the remark, “no.” Me fighting four British men in their 30s would not go well for me if it wasn’t for Matty Healy, the lead singer. I think he is extremely funny, and we are similar in that we both use our Instagram stories as a way to showcase our minds. And because of that I think we would make each other laugh and not fight anymore. I do not know the personalities of the other three members of the band, but I think I can make them laugh too. 

12. Conan Gray (17 Hours) – I REFUSE TO LOSE.

I will not lose to Conan Gray. I will keep persisting for the sake of my reputation. I cannot lose. I cannot lose. I cannot lose. I cannot lose. I cannot lose. I will only give up if he plays “Greek God” for me because I love that song so much. Other than that, I will keep fighting!!

11. Billie Eilish (17 Hours) – I don’t know what we would fight about

I feel like out of all the artists on this list, Billie Eilish is the one I would most likely be friends with. I do not know what we would fight about. For the other artists I could think of a reason, but for Billie Eilish I cannot. Especially after she made “Happier Than Ever”, one of my favorite songs of all time. However, she could beat me up, that was already obvious.

10. Charli XCX (19 Hours) – She will lose her fan base if she beats me up

Charli XCX is to gay men as Jesus Christ is to Christians. She is the gays’ savior, so why would she beat up a loyal representative of her fan base? If she beats me up, I will rally all of the gay men to protest her music. She can’t win, or else her streams will plummet like stocks or something (I don’t know how stocks work). Overall, I will blackmail her into not beating me up because she very much could. 

9. Hole (20 Hours) – Not going to even discuss this

Hole is one of the most successful alt-rock bands of all time. I feel like that tells you all that you need to know. Courtney Love, the lead singer, wrote “Violet”, which is one of my favorite songs to scream along to. I don’t want to mess with her or the rest of the band, so I won’t. 🙂

8. Fleetwood Mac (20 Hours) – Yes, but I would feel bad

If we’re talking about present-day Fleetwood Mac, then the answer is yes. I say this because they are all in their 70s right now. All I need to do is outrun them and I win. If I was talking about Fleetwood Mac during their Rumours (1977) era, then no. They all had beef with each other during that time, so they would take their anger out on me. In the end, I win because I am younger than them!

7. Troye Sivan (22 Hours) – Twink on twink crime

Troye Sivan and I are the same person I think, at least based on his social media and the way he presents himself in his music. Our fight would just go on and on and have no end. It would be fun though and entertaining to the people watching. We would probably trade insults at each other, such as “you bottom!” This fight would rake in the most money if it was televised. People would be invested, and they most definitely will be tuning in.

6. Ethel Cain (28 Hours) – She has the Amish, so no

In a recent Instagram story, Ethel Cain stated that she would “rally the Amish” against Drake for his distasteful lyric about Megan Thee Stallion and her shooting incident. I will not be messing with her at all. Ethel Cain means business and I do not doubt that for a second. Preacher’s Daughter (2022), my current album of the year, is a concept album about how a woman is kidnapped, murdered, and cannibalized by her lover. Anyone who comes up with that storyline is not someone I would want to get in a fight with.

5. Lorde (41 Hours) – She literally is THE Lord

When you make an album as perfect as Melodrama (2017) at just 19 years old, you have to be the lord herself. Melodrama is one of the best pop albums of all time and required spiritual intervention upon first listen. “Green Light” having the lyric “she thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar” makes Lorde the lord that she is. She could beat me in a fight and I wouldn’t be mad because I can go listen to her music. 

4. Lady Gaga (42 Hours) – Her 2009 VMA Performance of “Paparazzi”.

Lady Gaga’s performance of “Paparazzi” at the 2009 VMAs is my favorite live performance of all time, and the fact that she was 23 years old when she performed is unbelievable. The theatricality, the choreography, and the emotion she shows throughout the performance is a true work of art. Of course, she would beat me in a fight because she is Lady Gaga. She is mother and she would serve while punching me.

3. Rina Sawayama (43 Hours) – Out of everyone on this list…YES.

She would beat me up. I cannot stress this enough. She would beat me up. Out of every artist on this list, she is the one that I have the least chance of winning a fight against. She made “STFU!” which tells me all I need to know in this hypothetical scenario. She is also starring in John Wick: Chapter 4 if we need any further convincing. In the fight I would tell her that her concert earlier this year is in my top 3 concerts of all time because I have to let her know. She is Rina Sawayama. 

2. Lana Del Rey (85 Hours) – Question for the culture…

Lana Del Rey’s typewriter post on her Instagram account in May of 2020 is so iconic. Is it iconic in the worst ways possible? Yes. Does this answer the question of if she could beat me in a fight? Also yes. I think Lana is the type of person to follow through on her word. If she says she is going to beat someone up, then I believe her. I am also thinking of her mesh mask incident, which I think could be used in my favor. I do not know how, but I think it could.

1. Taylor Swift (103 Hours) – Capitalist Queen!!!

One thing about Taylor Swift is that she is going to find a way to make money. Whether that be constantly restocking merch, releasing 20 different remixes of one song, or charging hundreds of dollars on a tour, she is going to see the green. I think if I engaged in any sort of physical combat with her, the white gay swifties would dox me within a few seconds. So because of that, I will not try to fight her. If we did, she would win because her opponent is me, and if we have learned anything, it is that most people would beat me in a fight. In fact, you (the person reading this) could most likely beat me in a fight. I may be lacking in physical strength, but I am self aware.

Article and Design by Adrian Ceja

Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” Music Video via UMG (on behalf of Big Machine Records, LLC), Troye Sivan’s “Bloom” Music Video via UMG (on behalf of EMI Recorded Music Australia Pty Ltd), SZA in 2018 by Elizabeth Wirja via British Vogue, Lana Del Rey’s Born to Die album cover by Nicole Nodland via Interscope Records and Polydor Records, Rina Sawayama by Charlotte Rutherford via Dirty Hit, Ethel Cain by Ethel Cain via W Magazine, Lady Gaga at 2009 VMAs by Christopher Polk via Getty Images.