TO BE OR NOT TO BE COOL
Me and My Girlfriend’s War of Music
EXT. WORLD – ANYTIME
The apotheosis of a great battle is near at hand, the climax of a great debate is approaching. Two people, a boy and a girl, Luke and Nicki, are walking down the street.
LUKE
…and I’m telling you that it was cool!
Like you definitely don’t see that everyday,
I mean—
NICKI
OK, OK, old man, I just don’t see how an old
white man—in a room full of old white people—
going up to a piano and playing some boring-ass
old people music is cool. I mean you’re right!
You don’t see that everyday, thank god!
Luke laughs.
LUKE
NOT cool? Why, miss, Beethoven?
Not cool?? Since when?!
Nicki laughs.
LUKE
But seriously, I guess classical
music isn’t the coolest.
NICKI
Well then what is, mister?
Luke pauses, thinks.
LUKE
The Floyd performing live in Pompeii to nobody
in 1972! Rush performing a ten-minute, multi-suite
instrumental piece based on a dream Alex Lifeson
had in 1978! Miles Davis inspiring Herbie Hancock
to inspire Jacob Collier to modulate to G half sharp!
These landmarks of human musical achievement—now
that’s cool.
Luke smiles excitedly.
Nicki rolls her eyes.
NICKI
You’re so pretentious. Inaccessibility isn’t
cool, it’s pretty far in the opposite direction.
LUKE
Yeah? Well then what is cool?
NICKI
Vibes, bro, I dunno I mean the fact that I even
have to say it makes it not. It’s chill, it’s a
feeling– the fact that you don’t know what it is
makes it cool. If you like cool music, you like
cool music. You can’t explain it.
LUKE
Well sure you can! You like low-tempo electronic
music with the bass and percussion relying not on
drums but on retro-style synthesizers. You like
rhythms based in funk and soul, though you
definitely don’t like funk or soul. You like
mainstream music but the mainstream appalls you.
Nicki, I know exactly–
NICKI
No no no–see that’s what I’m saying: the moment
you talk about it, it’s gone. You’ve lost it because
you’ve peeled back the feeling, the vibes,
and you’re left with pure technicality. You’ve
turned something artificial that should be organic.
LUKE
But isn’t that cool? To see how things work? To get
to the heart of the matter?
NICKI
Well yeah, I guess, in other things. But not this.
You’re robbing a culture when you take the feeling
out of music. The worst part is that it’s your
culture, too.
Luke laughs, then thinks.
LUKE
Hm. Well, if you don’t get to the root of something,
how can you create your own?
They both look at each other. They missed their turn and it was getting late. The moon shone bright and a nightclub trembled in the distance.
NICKI
I dunno.
END SCENE.
Written by Luke Dominick