Pavement revealed to be on payroll of the haircut industry: true stories with Kieran

STOCKTON – Documents recently released by the Federal Independent Rock Music Investigatory Commission have revealed that the pioneering lo-fi band Pavement have been fooling us all along. A federally-funded investigation of rather ridiculous proportions reported that the band was, in fact, formed on the payroll of the International Barbershop Culture and Customs Board (IBCCB). This Board is described as a radical group of haircutters whose stated goal is to ensure that “every man, woman, and child has that one haircut with the short sides and combed back, pomade on top sorta look.” 

Pavement was formed under mysterious circumstances in 1989 by singer-songwriter Stephen Malkmus who, according to documents, is “a radical haircutter, and one of the founding members of the IBCCB.” The rest of the band was recruited from local think tanks on the subject of haircut promotion in the wake of the long-hair epidemic instigated by rock groups such as Poison, Motley Crue, and Guns ‘n’ Roses. 

At these think tanks, a plot was hatched to form a band whose quirky lyrics, off-the-wall songwriting, and DIY ethics would make them irresistible to the youth. Malkmus volunteered and was forced to rehearse in secret with Scott Kanberg (guitar, vocals), Mark Ibold (bass), Steve West (drums), and Bob Nastanovich (percussion, vocals). The crux of this plan hinged on the college radio success of the group’s 1994 single “Cut Your Hair,” which the IBCCB believed would plant the seeds of a haircutting revolution in the youth of America.

However, the Board made one crucial mistake; and that mistake was the fact that Pavement sounded a little too much like a certain British post-punk band; namely, The Fall. A lack of foresight on the part of both Malkmus and the IBCCB was the group’s unignorable resemblance to the group fronted by Mark E. Smith. Smith was the band’s most vocal critic, quoted saying that Pavement didn’t “have an original idea in their heads.” In the eyes of the general public, this was where the proverbial “beef” started and ended. Tragically, it cannot be said that this was the whole truth. 

Smith harbored suspicions about the band, especially after an anonymous tip from a former member of the IBCCB made him question their legitimacy. The documents reveal that Smith was preparing to release a manifesto exposing the truth about the band’s shady origins in late 2017. However, the IBCCB were informed, likely by the same member that originally confided in Smith. It is believed he later rejoined the board after a particularly harsh divorce and ensuing midlife crisis. Smith’s death in January 2017 is believed to have been at the hands of the Board, as they could not have Pavement’s 2020 reunion shows jeopardized. 

At the time of writing, Stephen Malkmus has allegedly fled to Cuba. The rest of the band’s whereabouts are unknown. Tickets are still on sale for the group’s 2020 reunion shows, and key members of the IBCCB have been jailed and are awaiting trial. 

THE B-SIDE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THIS IS A PIECE OF SATIRE. 

Article by Kieran Zimmer