Give me my ticket stub or give me death!

Photo by Gary Friedman

I had the wonderful pleasure to see Grace Jones at the Fox Theater for the immensely convenient price of zero dollars. As instructed by the contest-holders, I went to the box office  to let them know that I had arrived. To my surprise, they handed me a physical ticket—a ticket that is currently pinned to my wall like Jesus on the cross.

I had no idea this was such a cataclysmic issue until that night! Truly, out of everything currently going on in the music industry right now, this is the most important matter. Why did we ever decide to get rid of the ticket stub? What is this “print your QR code from home” bullshit? First off, why do I have to do all the work? What is the venue too busy doing? Setting up the concert? They can’t hire a designated ticket-printer guy? He would take up so little space! Stick him in the corner! Do you know how expensive ink is? When I BART to the Fox Theater, I have to suddenly factor in ink costs on top of everything else? 

Oh, but the next best solution is to scan a QR code on my phone. At least with the printed code, I have something tangible and in my possession—I’m not at the mercy of Tim Cook if he decides to remotely send my phone into cardiac arrest. Add to Wallet? Why would I want a big tech company to know that I’m seeing Depeche Mode? That reveals more about me than my address, phone number, email, demographic information, and shopping habits ever will. 

The worst part about this transcendental crisis is that both of these formats—the printing and the digital code—have “Ticketmaster” splattered across them. Do you know how much Ticketmaster fees are? I might as well just buy a second ticket with those. Where are these fees going if not to print my devilishly handsome ticket stub? 

Photo by H. Michael Karshis

Some might argue that ticket stubs are a waste of paper, but really, I think the problem would be alleviated if the ushers didn’t rip off a chunk of it at the entrance. Come on! That was a perfectly good barcode, and you threw it in the trash!

Really, unlike junk mail or actual receipts, I think ticket stubs serve an important purpose. How else are the great economists of our highly-developed modern day supposed to measure societal collapse without them? Without ticket stubs, how are we supposed to say “Woah! Back in 1983, you could’ve seen AC/DC for only $12.50!”? We would lose an entire subgenre of conversation topics. Ticket stubs aside, I think that price is $12.50 too much for a band like AC/DC.

Furthermore, the extinction of the ticket stub will be a disaster for the humanities. It is growing increasingly more difficult for grunge-aesthetic bloggers on Tumblr to compile ticket stubs into neatly compiled collages—pleasing to the eye—of stubs from The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Nirvana concerts, ignoring the fact they never fraternized with one another. Won’t somebody think of the aesthetic?

Is wanting to go home at the end of the night with a little token—a memento, even—really so much to ask? Personally, I can sleep soundly at night knowing that I have Grace Jones at the Fox Theater, Oakland on September 23rd, 2022 at 8:00 PM (doors open at 7:00), General Admission, $85.00, “COMP.,” “G.A.,” “FLOOR,” “TICKETMASTER©,” watching over me.