British soccer fans release chart-topping single, ode to Donald Trump

On January 20, 2017, the day of President Donald J. Trump’s inauguration, a group of English soccer fans released the charting single, “Hey Donald Trump, I Wanna Know Why You’re Such a Cunt,” culminating in the official rebirth European musical domination and the coming of the Second British Invasion. The story only now, a year and a half later, crossed the Atlantic and reached the B-Side, the premier music magazine of the number one public university in the nation.

Now I know what you, dear UC Berkeley reader, are thinking. “CUNT?!?!?! We RECLAIMED that! Are they PRAISING Sir Donald?”

No. In fact, we dug through the archives of brilliant journalism from UC Berkeley scholars and stumbled upon this document that interviews a gaggle of Irish visitors about European slang. 

Thus, it would be wise to interpret the use of the term in the context of European slang, rather than of Berkeley ideology, which yields a rather unpleasant depiction of Our President. This is understandably confusing because in Berkeley, the C-Word can be a cosmic, feminist tool in self-empowerment. But not here.

Given the Euro origins of this humble folk tune, it seems more plausible to conclude that perhaps, the Brits think that Mr. Donald is — to put it simply — an actual cunt.

Cross-examined with Urban Dictionary, our interpretation seems to be correct.

[su_pullquote align=”right”]”This is so fucked; they stole the show.” – 3 Doors Down, the 4/10 band that for some reason sold out and played the president’s inauguration when every other respectable musician spat in the offer’s face. [/su_pullquote]

This reminds of Bruce Springsteen’s 1984 hit “Born in the U.S.A” – another wildly controversial, popular, and misunderstood song.

In “Born in the U.S.A.” Springsteen relentlessly chugs along through tireless monotone, using this simple, anthemic structure criticize Reagan politics and ask people to question their blind patriotism, ultimately delivering a big fat “Fuck you,” to a Lee Greenwood song released just months prior titled, “God Bless the U.S.A.,” which I’m not going to link to because of its trash nature, but I digress.

This is all true, I learned it in an anthro class.

It seems the Brits have adopted this style and have taken a page out of Bruce’s book — employing the vehicle of simple, anthemic, digestible-to-any-moron-who-listens-to-it semantics and song structure to access the baseline intellectual level of its audience. In Springsteen’s case, this audience was blindly patriotic blue-collar republicans; in this case, it’s straight up imbecile Trump supporters.

Natalie Silver, a rising super senior who took said anthro class, says this of the matter: “If you, like Reagan, really think the song is a patriotic anthem, you, like Reagan, are probably just a little dumb.

Other established British icons expressed their enthusiasm and support of the border-transcendent anthem.

The B-Side managed to speak to John Lennon of The Beatles (not to be confused with FIDLAR) who confirmed that Mr. Trump is, in fact, of cunt nature.

The Queen recently demonstrated her support and enthusiasm for the song. Though she upsettingly did not actually call him the C-Word, she did recently take a knee during the American national anthem, which is objectively even more savage.

I know it’s photoshopped, please indulge me for 5 seconds.

Mick Jagger commented that “Hey Donald…” serves as the perfect epilogue to his 2005 Ode to George W. Bush “Sweet Neo Con” and hopes to collaborate with the group in the future.

“It asks the most splendid question of this generation – why IS he such a bloody cunt?” Jagger said in an interview with Rolling Stone, not to be confused with The B-Side.

Well Mick, we may never understand the science behind it, but at least the question has been launched into the universe.

And now, as the song sweeps the American music industry and riled-up youth, the only proper follow-up question to this smash’s thesis can simply be: “Where is the FUCKING pit?”

Because I’ll be there.

Written by Natalie Silver