In his song, “Between the Bars,” on the album, Either/or (1997), Elliot Smith sings, “Drink up baby, stay up all night/ With the things you could do/ You won’t but you might/ The potential you’ll be that you’ll never see/ The promises you only make”
12/20/22
I went on an internet deep dive of my childhood for 4 hours today. Old teachers, soccer teams, academic awards, music I used to listen to, etc. I thought I might feel proud of it all. Instead, I realized that I lost something along the way. I used to have this nagging, insane drive to be great. To get lost in a craft and to impact people in doing so. It was all I could think about as a kid.
Maybe someone else put it in my head but I felt it — this overwhelming feeling of elation, like I knew the world had something special in store for me. I don’t know where it went and I don’t want to look back one day and realize I lost it. I don’t want to lose this one version of myself I respected and I especially don’t want to become complacent in it all. Nowadays I feel myself slipping into the mundane things, hobbies and passions fading away as career options occupy the forefront of my thoughts. But I just want to know that I’m reaching for more than a paycheck. It’s that complicated realization where you know that as life goes on it gets more tiring and your dreams lose their clarity. It’s the understanding that over time, we make excuses for ourselves and things happen and the vision you once had clouds up. The existential dread pins you to your bed and the heaviness in your chest reduces you to dead weight.
But I used to feel passionate and exhilarated, even if it wasn’t “greatness” talking. I mean I used to feel like kicking a soccer ball was a calling. I could hear the crowds chanting like I was in my own El Clásico. I would listen to Mac Miller on the drive back from school with my windows down thinking it was freeing and romantic and cool or whatever a teenager wants it to be. But everyday I find myself growing more and more distracted by things that never mattered to me. And I know that life is unavoidable in that way. You can’t always focus on your passion and you usually don’t even know what that is. Finances and adulthood catch up to you and sometimes that’s all that can happen. I can’t help but hate that even if it is reality.
It can’t be all there is. Somewhere inside me I feel my younger self pounding on the walls of my consciousness. She wants in and I can’t ignore her anymore. She reminds me that I wanted to be great. I wanted to write about music and film, maybe even to create it. I wanted to lose sleep to passion, to discover things that could impact real people. What if she could lead me somewhere great?
I think I’m going to follow her.
Writing and Artwork by Yara Choeb