I don’t know the exact date of when cuffing season ends, or when (what’s the opposite of that? Breakup season?) starts, but there’s a brief period of time where you can look back fondly (or less than fondly) on all your ex-boyfriends and think to yourself, “I can’t believe how fucking stupid I was.” Though, maybe now you can ruin not only the memory of him but also of your favorite band whose name will forever on be associated with him. Sorry!
Fall Out Boy: He asked you to the 8th grade dance after his friend said you had a crush on him (which wasn’t entirely true, but you went with it). His name was probably Sam or Kyle or something forgettable; it didn’t matter. After you shared your first kiss on the makeshift dance floor in the cafeteria, you thought he would be the one. He ended up transferring high schools and totally lost contact with you, save for the friend request you got from him last year, where you found out he was living in Jersey City trying to get his t-shirt business off the ground. No matter what, you’ll always remember him and how much he meant to you – uh, Chad, Jake, whatever his name was.
Vampire Weekend: You were both 16. You were the most insecure person in the world, and he was the most confident. Everyone told you how annoying he was but you just thought they didn’t understand his intellect and wit. He wore round tortoise shell glasses that he didn’t even need. You never saw him in a color that wasn’t beige or khaki. He convinced you that Salinger was the greatest artist in history, and that Jack Kerouac created modern literature as we know it today. He was incredibly jealous that you got into a better college than him and sulked for two whole months until you broke up with him.
The Smiths: So fucking pretentious. You thought you were safe by dating a boy in touch with his emotions, but it turns out this was So. Much. Worse. He’s constantly complaining about his life but will never listen to your problems. He’s mastered the art of discreetly insulting the way you look, but in a way so that you can’t call him on it. He cheated on you several times but twisted it so it somehow become your fault for not “supporting him enough.”
Brockhampton: He’s literally always around, like, always. Everything happened so fast, too fast for you to even remember how you even met. He said I love you after the third date, and keeps talking about “your future” together. He’s super close with his friends, to the point you wonder if this is all some weird social experiment he’s conducting with you. He always shows you off on social media but never answers your calls. You’re pretty sure he liked the idea of being of in a relationship more than he actually liked you.
Edward Sharpe: He was around during your weird Brandy-Melville-Huntington-Beach-Urban-Outfitters phase you completely regret happening. He was sweet though, and actually the most interesting person once he stopped pretending that “his heart belonged in Joshua Tree.” You wish you had met him when you had both grown out of that age; maybe he really was the one.
FIDLAR: He’s always asking you to spot him for everything – dinners (which are just White Castle takeout), movies (which are just RedBox DVDs from the gas station a block over), even your own birthday gift (which was just a copy of Currents by Tame Impala – you hate Tame Impala). He says he’s too busy being a creative to get a job; he’s 26. Still, he’s the most charming guy you ever dated, and you can’t seem to keep going back to him. And he has his romantic moments sometimes, like when he saved you from that mosh pit at that pop punk band you forgot the name of.
Drake: You two only dated for a month before he broke up with you because, in his words, “He can’t be tied down”; but he still texts you that he misses you every time he’s drunk: every time. He hit on every girl he saw when you were together, and every time you brought it up he’d say you were just being overdramatic. He steals all his style from guys on Instagram but claims it’s 100% original. Never had a job but somehow was always loaded.
Frank Ocean: Ghosts you for months but shows back up in your life like nothing happened, every time. When he’s around, though, he’s always super attentive, and focuses all his attention on you. You still don’t seem to know anything about him though, he’s super secretive about really odd things, like where he lives, or how old he was when he said his first words. He always asks you to call him but let’s it go to voicemail every single time. You broke up with him after you realized he was using your life as the basis of some weird art piece. After this one, you decide that maybe you don’t want to date creative types anymore.
Migos: He was in your DMs for like a year before you finally caved and just went out with him. He’s always talking about you in the group chat with his friends, and won’t ever leave you alone with his phone. He has a really odd and inappropriate obsession with his Honda Civic. He still uses Instagram filters on his photos. You don’t have anything in common. You don’t know why you’re dating him.
The Chainsmokers: Uhhhhh you got drunk and hooked up with some blond dude. You woke up the next morning to, like, 50 texts from him. You don’t remember his name but feel too bad to ask. He takes you to Starbucks for coffee and asks you what your favorite TV show is (his is Modern Family). He says he’s majoring in finance but you don’t believe he knows how to add. He’s the social chair of his frat, he goes to the gym just an average amount so it doesn’t seem like he’s trying too hard, and the caption for his Facebook album of his family trip to Vail, Colorado, was “back at it with the fam.”
In the end, you decide that maybe you should take a break and start listening to podcasts now and like, better yourself in some way. Maybe being single and focusing all of your energy into something useful is what you really need. Or maybe you just need to date someone better.
Written by Leka Gopal
Designed by Jessica Tin